A friend is a terrible thing to waste. The whole idea of having a connection or someone you can go to and share things with is essential to our better human nature.  It makes for a lonely world when we don’t have people we can trust and confide in.  We have virtually unlimited resources for communication yet many people feel more disconnected and isolated than at any time in history.   Not so long ago American’s lived with extended family members and participated in many extended family events and occasions.  We had regular neighborhood gatherings and we knew not only who lived next door but who lived in the next block over.  Over the last 35 years the United States has seen a decline in civic engagement and social participation.  We vote less, go to church less, visit with our neighbors less, volunteer less, entertain less and generally get together less for civic or social purposes.

            I was talking with a new friend recently who indicated that they didn’t really have anybody that they could trust with their deepest concerns and confidences.  I felt really bad about that and then considered if that were true for a lot of people.  Our culture does not make it easy to foster open and strong relationships.  We live in a world of instant gratification and many of us simply get bored too quickly to have the patience to help a friend work through a problem.  We are inundated with images from on demand movies and events and high speed internet to the point that what might be remarkable to a friend often can not compete with things we see on a daily basis.

            Many people have written about the fact that the addition of many technological advances designed to save us time have actually reduced the amount of time we have to enjoy simpler activities.  It is now possible to nuke a meal, talk on a hands free device, book airline tickets and sip a tall mocha latte all at pretty much the same time.   Our ability to multi-task at high efficiency creates the illusion that this enhanced productivity is something that we should keep up at all times.  When we buy into that type of lifestyle it is our human essence which suffers.   Does all of that hustle and bustle produce any of what gives us joy in our lives?  I think not.

            When we take time to nurture a friendship we get the invaluable satisfaction of knowing that we are not alone.  True friendship provides a witness your existence and validation that what you hold dear is significant.  The notion that we are not alone and that our hopes, dreams, worries and accomplishment are of value provides us motivation to continue the struggles that face us daily.  It is when we are able to laugh or cry, and vent or praise with a kindred spirit that we are most alive.  Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best, “A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.”  Our friends reflect who we are; they understand our disposition and remind us of the possibilities of our selves.  My mom used to say the best way to find a friend was to be a friend.  How did she get so smart?

A lot of successful men I know mapped the course of their lives by prepping for college, undertaking a pre-determined course of study, and networking with the right people, entering their chosen profession and strategically planning their career path.  Significant milestones on this journey include marriage, parenthood, kids leaving home and then the big payoff, retirement.  Taking stock in a personal timeline such as that sets us up to see the accomplishment of those events leading to happiness.  Timelines such as that never worked for me, too much can change. 

How could we have anticipated the technological advances that have occurred in the last twenty years?  Although it sounds myopic at this point, I don’t think many of my peers, those guys you see at work with gray emerging on their temples, anticipated the influx of bright, motivated and business savvy women entering the workplace.  The days of landing a job and staying there until retirement are long gone as companies have lost loyalty to their employees and employees are always willing to jump ship for greener pastures.  The economy has gone more global than any of us could have imagined.  Manufacturing jobs, of which most of the fathers of the guys I grew up with held, are being sent overseas at an alarming pace.  Nothing stays the same and nor should we.

Living life with a more short term strategy always seemed a more logical approach to navigating life for me.  My father’s life maybe taught me that.  Growing up my father was the proprietor of one of those neighborhood gas stations that my kids can not even conceptualize.  When I was twelve years old I started spending my Saturdays working with my Dad.  We had a corner station with six pumps, all full service, and a two bay garage.  Our front room displayed tires, batteries and oil.  A pop machine, a cigarette machine and a candy bar machine were the only groceries offered at Clayton’s DX.  It was a man’s place and I loved it.  Then came the oil crisis of the mid-seventies with soaring oil prices which incubated an influx of mini-serve stations. Retail gasoline delivery would never be the same.  Groceries and convenience items marketed with lower cost gas made extinct the entire industry of neighborhood gas stations.  My Father had worked hard and built a business that he would most likely have operated until his death.  I was going to work right there at his side.  In an instant it was all gone.

The stereotype of a man infuriating his wife by refusing to ask for directions is but a symptom of our reluctance to admit we need help.  When our lives don’t seem to work out the way we hope or even if we just arrive at a point and awaken to realize things just aren’t quite what we had imagined, it can be confusing and frustrating.  Finding yourself uncomfortable with the status-quo requires one of two options.  Cowboy up or make some changes.  Many times we associate compulsory change with loss or failure when we should associate change with a positive metamorphosis.  While it would be wonderful if we could just remain the same and have the world adapt around us we know that positive change in our lives must be self initiated.  Change is growth.  Gail Sheehy once said “If we don’t change, we don’t grow.  If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.”

            When one awakens to find his world is not what he imagined it would be he has two choices.  Perhaps Georg Christoph Lichtenberg said it best, “I cannot say whether things will get better if we change, what I can say is they must change if they are to get better.”

I had a dream.  I dreamed that all political leaders of our great land had personal integrity and were inspiring.  I dreamed our political leaders were sincere in their desire to make the world a better place.  Then I woke up.

 

Last Sunday Ann Coulter began her weekly diatribe with, “The idea that the Democrats have any meaningful interest in America’s national security is a joke.” http://www.anncoulter.org/cgi-local/welcome.cgi,  SO, THREE MUSLIMS WALK INTO A PORT, February 22, 2006

 Her website claims that Ann Coulter is “A Connecticut native, Coulter graduated with honors from Cornell University School of Arts & Sciences, and received her J.D. from University of Michigan Law School, where she was an editor of The Michigan Law Review.”  Well, I guess Ann is maybe qualified to be a personal injury attorney in Ann Arbor but other than that I don’t think she has demonstrated that Michigan Law Review means a whole lot.    

 

Where is all the heart ache and rage from the supporters of the movement to ban the burning of the flag with regards to the irreverent Danish cartoons of the Muslim prophet Muhammad?  I can relate to the idea that anybody who wants to burn our flag should have their ass kicked.  Why do I feel that way?  Our flag represents the sacrifices made by our forefathers who overcame insurmountable odds in creating a nation with more opportunity than any place and time in history.  Our flag symbolizes the freedoms and principles that our brothers and sisters, sons and daughters are putting their lives on the line for in order to give people a half a world away the opportunity for liberty and justice.  Our flag represents a place where you can speak out and disagree with the policies that govern this land.  Understanding these fundamental freedoms means you must know these rights must be for everybody.  That being said, if you want to burn the flag I believe that is your right.  I may then exercise my free will to knock you on your ass and go to jail for my efforts but it is a price I am willing to pay.  The Danish political cartoons which satirized the most sacred image of Islam are surly an affront to the worshipers of that religion.  All I am saying is if you are a true American, one who really understands what our flag stands for, you would find the printing of such blasphemous cartoons abhorrent and an affront to the personal dignity of a large group of people.  Freedom of expression doesn’t mean we are free to trample, insult and demean others.  Freedom means we have the opportunity to succeed, to worship and support the things that we believe in.

__________________________________________________________ 

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!”

Martin Luther King Jr.- delivered 28 August 1963, at the Lincoln Memorial, Washington D.C.

I think the Rev. King knew what it meant to be an American.

The first time I ever visited my in-laws home was shortly after I had met my wife.  I had only had one opportunity to meet them prior to this visit.  My relationship with them now is wonderful and I love them as if they were my own flesh and blood.  I was filled with all the uncertainties one would expect from the first official "meet the parents" visitation.  My wife was a small town girl and I was as much of a city boy as the state of Iowa can offer.  Being a large Mexican American bouncer by profession kind of guy I was not certain of what kind of welcome to expect in their home.  That concern was all on my part and I never once sensed anything but a welcome and supportive hospitality in their home.

The night before our visit, my wife and I had been out late and I was feeling victim to some of the gastro intestinal discomforts which can result from an evening of drinking more tap beer than one has a right to.  I was in a fair amount of discomfort as I sat in the front room with my wife’s father.  The ladies had retired to the kitchen to prepare our meal.  The family had a pet dog, Sam.  I never learned to be fond of that dog. Sam seemed particularly interested in the idea that there was a stranger in the house and was spending a lot of time checking me out.  Eventually the dog calmed down and decided to take a rest near my feet.  I found my father-in-law an interesting guy and our visit was quite enjoyable but I had pressures building within me that I was sure, if he were aware, would be cause for much concern. 

Eventually, try as I might, I was unable to avoid the inevitable escape of gasses in a manner fondly referred to as, by friends of mine anyway, silent but deadly.  (SBD)  While I made no sound I was quickly panicking as it became rather obvious that something was seriously afoul. Then, suddenly, it was as if the heavens were opened and a guardian angel had come down to rescue me.  My father in law, glaring at the dog unworthy of fond feelings, exclaimed, “SAM!”  You can not believe the sense of relief which washed over me as I realized the dog had somehow earned the wrath of my digression.

A new sense of relieve washed over me as I took a chance when the need for another gas escape had represented itself.  I was able to expertly apply my craft and release another SBD .  This was the time where, admittedly I developed a bit of a sense of guilt.  My father-in-law, showing a stern displeasure for quality of air in the room yelled at the unsuspecting and innocent dog, “SAM!  Damn it!”  I began to wonder what was taking those women so long as all semblances of a civil visit were beginning to appear to be in jeopardy. 

I committed to gain control of myself and even managed to do so for a few moments.  It is funny how there are times in life where you understand something you are about to do is wrong and you have the confidence of knowing you will not be caught.  This can have a very devastating effect on your ability to maintain your personal integrity.  I would bet George W. Bush experiences that a lot.  Hey, he is only human.  Being a human myself I abandoned my resolve and I am sad to report that I had the unmitigated gall to be pleased with myself for the cunning solution to that horrific problem.  My glib nature vanished quicker than my Uncle Lenny whenever it came his time to buy a round as my father-in-law screamed, “Sam, God Damn it!  Get the hell out of there before HE kills you!”  Yep, that was one of my proudest moments.  Have a great day!

I am certain that many of you entertain misconceptions of the glamorous life of profound and witty blog writers such as yours truly.  A’ hem, feedback is not requested with regards to that claim.  Even pundits such as I are not immune to the daily monotonies and tribulations which are part of everyday life.  So it goes.

Now here is an image for ya!  My favorite skivvies, the leopard print Speedos have developed a rather large hole in the approximate location of my ample left cheek.  This is cause for great remorse because you can not imagine how hard it was to find those leopard print Speedos in a size 54!  Perhaps what made it most difficult to locate such sensual under garments was the humiliation of inquiring from unsuspecting sales clerks as to the availability of the size which I sought.  Of particular note was the time I had the misfortune of having no sales person, other than a very young and petite red head to turn to while visiting a K&G Men’s Store.  Upon making my inquiry the young lady had difficulty disguising her revulsion. I could sense that she was thinking, “There is just so much wrong with what this man is looking for!”  At least she did not laugh which enabled me to exit gracefully albeit without satisfaction for the query at hand.  I was eventually able to secure my purchase via the miracle of online shopping and wished that I had considered that option before causing trepidation and nausea throughout the entire Mid West retail men’s clothing community.

Today is laundry day and the fact that there are currently only two of us in the household makes for a much less daunting task than when the house is operating at full capacity.  I prefer to finish all the loads of laundry before beginning the dreaded task of folding and putting them away.  One thing that I have not been able to comprehend has to deal with my son’s laundry.  I have established a routine where I am doing laundry once per week and I am curious to know how, after a period of an entire week, I only end up folding two pairs of underwear for my son.  At first I thought it meant that all of the laundry had not made it to the wash pile but this has been going on since the first week of November.  Truly there is a mystery here because numerous inquiries into this phenomenon have resulted in no adequate explanation from my equally perplexed son.  I loathe thinking that he would deceive me.  More disturbing than deception, however, would be the consideration that a member of my household would change their underwear based not on the passage of a twenty-four hour period of time but rather a personal tolerance for crustiness.

This enigma has begun to actually create an impediment to my ability to sleep at night!  Normally when I have a concern of the magnitude which this has become I can turn to my wife and together we pool the wisdom which we have acquired in nearly eighteen years of parenthood.  Together we would attempt to gain understanding and forge a united solution.  This is a predicament of such prominence that I can not in good conscience burden my wife with the horrors of its implications.  The burden would be too great while she is so far away and unable to have a direct hand in what ever resolution may be at hand.  I am certain that such knowledge would prove stressful as she questions the well being of her oldest male child in the hands of the incompetent parent she left behind.  She trusted that I could adequately provide assiduousness in the maintenance of our household and support of our son.  Yes, this is a challenge which I must meet on my own.  I steadfastly accept the challenge before me and endeavor to prove creditable in her absence. 

“It is what it is” seemed to be the theme this weekend.  In two separate conversations with two very close friends that expression came up.  It’s amazing to me that one expression, or rather philosophy in these examples, can have two totally different meanings depending on where the parties are in their lives.  

The first conversation circled around the idea that to have faith in the expression, “It is what it is” was totally unacceptable.  Things come up in our lives which have consequences that we may be unwilling or ill equipped to accept.  When that happens everything you trust in your gut can be turned upside down and poured out for everyone to see.  To accept such an event as the end to what you have held as a core value in your life would be to give up and deny yourself the opportunity to move on in a meaningful way.  I don’t see my friend as giving up or accepting any of the events which have caused pain in his life to damage his spirit and love of life in the long term.  In the short term things are not likely to unfold the way he would want and that is going to be painful indeed.  Another friend of mine listed this link on their blog, interesting thinking: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/02/25/happiness/index_np.html

The second conversation, called for patience in resolution of issues which confront us.  Sometimes decisions or actions need to be taken to correct conditions or events in our lives which are in need of our attention.  The thing about human dynamics that make that difficult is that it is very difficult to measure when you have enough information to take action or make decisions.  It is also difficult to know if you can rely on the information that has been presented.  It would seem that at some point one must rely on intuition when making life changing decisions.  While many people might be uncomfortable with relying on intuition to make life changing decisions people who have faith in a higher power can take comfort that intuition is the way they communicate with their God.  With that faith you can have patience to wait out changes until your intuition tells you to move forward.  In that situation one might reasonably accept that it is what it is for the short term.

It is what it is.  When life gets messy there is a well known prayer that can provide a lot of comfort in deciding what to do with any situation which may confront you.  It is the Serenity Prayer.  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.”